Apart from the weather cooling off (thank God!), school has been getting more intense for the both of us and we have now picked up 2 more popcorn customers (which is a blessing but adds a lot more work hours) things have been pretty stressful around the Montgomery household. I've been finding myself lacking the desire to cook or decorate or keep things tidy, just giving up on many things wanting to stop trying. I stopped having an interest in making things my own.
My attitude has been pretty bad lately and I have been noticing that my temper fuse has been getting shorter and shorter- especially with the people who I love most- my family. I've just been acting like a downright spoiled rotten brat. Of course with the temper, no one tells me this straight so I have to wait until something snaps to figure out what has been evident to everyone around me for some time now.
Last week, I had some sort of a break down/break through. I was fed up, depressed, felt completely worthless, unlovable and I wanted to wallow in self pity and gain sympathy from anyone who would dish it out, but completely ignoring the fact that I wasn't examining myself, wasn't taking a step back to see where I was at fault for my own depression and frustration.
That day I snapped, I left the shop, texted anyone I could think of who I knew would commit to prayer for me and went to Starbucks, bought a mocha and a (very dry) blueberry scone for way too much money and just sat outside. Just sat and listened for awhile. I read my texts from my friends - with words of encouragement, prayers, and scriptures. 2 of those said "Put on your armor" As i was thinking for awhile about what armor exactly they were talking about, I started to step back slowly. I read the verses that the texts were referring to -
| "Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole ARMOR of GOD, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God." - Ephesians 6: 10-17 then I began to see what was going on. The devil is out to destroy my drive, my marriage, my relationships with family and friends, my love, my relationship with God, he's out to destroy me and I've been letting him do it. I have been giving in to the old entitlement trick. I keep thinking that I should have this or that or should be able to do this or that, but keep forgetting that me in my sin, apart from Christ - deserve death and hell. I was running from him, seeking to satisfy my desires. But that God has shown His mercy and love and ultimate sacrifice on my behalf and has brought me into His house and called me His own beloved daughter and put a ring on my finger and a clean white robe on my back, clothed me with His righteousness and brought out the best feast for me. He washed my feet. He gave me a family, a husband who is amazing and loves me beyond anything I could imagine- who gives and gives and gives for me. And I have been so ungrateful. As these truths hit me on that sunny, breezy front porch of Starbucks, I was compelled to break out my ipod, turn on some Phil Wickham music and just write, pray, petition, be in fellowship with my Jesus. I didn't want to get up. I just wanted to sit there in that moment for the rest of eternity. Then I was reminded once again of something- the hope of heaven. I will get that one day. How glorious! To spend all eternity with God, finding out how He has done all these things that he has done all of these mysteries that we spend our lives trying to figure out- he will freely tell us all of those things. How dear He is to me. How much I just want Him and nothing else. But why do I fall so easily into serving another master? a dishonest and unfaithful master? one who leads me into misery, pain, depression, anger, frustration. Why? I haven't yet answered that question... don't know if I ever will so long as I live. My brother came to visit from Hawaii and he was talking to me about how to look at situations that arise in front of me, how to deal with panic, how to handle my emotions so I don't just fly off the lid. His wisdom that has been gained through his own years of trial and error and pain, learning, etc... Plus, he understands how I operate and how my mind works. His advice has helped a lot. Taking a look at what a huge role the wife has in the future of her family is insane. I have so much power to do my husband good and propel us forward or to do evil and destroy his life along with my own. The choice is mine, and I have to make that decision with every word that comes out of my mouth. I don't know the future, i'm just taking it one step at a time, but I feel really good about this season. Much Love, AM |
